01 5 / 2013
idk why i even bother getting crushes on ppl bc it’s not like i’m gonna end up dating them anyway so like it’s such a waste of feelings
12 4 / 2013
well. i told one of my best friends that i liked him yesterday. he didn’t like me back. now that we’re less touchy feely, i find that touchy-feely was what i missed, as well as our strong emotional friendship, which luckily, is still strong. he was the first person i felt like i could talk openly to since i got to college—i wouldn’t be judged, criticized, and would help me get through issues even though he wasn’t with me. ultimately, i felt safe and loved.
he got out of a recent long term relationship, and springing this without notice wasn’t fair to him, and putting him in a position he where he wasn’t ready was also deeply selfish.
i know only time can heal situations like this, and it hasn’t had an effect on our friendship, but there’s no doubt it hurts like mad.
19 2 / 2013
For many reasons, I hated middle school. Despite the obvious—different friends, pubescent thoughts and emotions—also came with the biggest one of them all: pubescent hormones. I hated 7th grade the most, and I mostly blame it on this reason.
Pubescent hormones made me go crazy—however, there was one particular guy I was mad for. I knew he was in the English class after mine, and so my pubescent hormones took over from there. We ate lunch in a similar area, and everyday, I hoped he would notice me from afar. We shared the same PE class, and I would also watch him running on the track from afar. I went into great lengths to find where he sat and left him notes under a pseudonym. Our teacher at the time was ridiculously dull, and most of us spent the period doing whatever we wanted, and so during this time, I wrote him notes. We passed them to each other for most of the year, and I found myself more and more “in love” with him.
Besides the fact that he was a wonderful person, he was also the most attractive guy our age at the time, and all of these other girls found him attractive as well. It made me slightly jealous to see all of these girls fawn over him, but in my mind, I felt like I had a slight advantage with the notes we passed.
Time came to the end of the year, and I decided to reveal myself to him, no longer under the pseudonym. Like in “Mulan”, I felt like Mulan—“You said you’d trust Ping. Why is Mulan any different?” He was surprised, but in a way, too surprised to say anything else. Slowly, he started to avoid me more and more as time passed to the end of the year. I took this as a negative sign and I never should have revealed myself to him in the first place.
Why did I say hormones are a bad thing? Because during all this time, these thoughts of him consumed me. All I could think about was him—his chocolate brown hair, sympathetic green eyes, his brilliant smile, and most of all, his charismatic personality. I could see myself falling for him more and more, but in the end, I didn’t really know him at all. My grades suffered for it. My friendships suffered for it. My relationship with my parents suffered for it. Ultimately, I cared about someone who didn’t care for me back in the same way, and instead I pushed those aside who cared for me most. Middle school sucks. Middle school “romances” suck even more.
18 2 / 2013
sorry i only like boys i would never have a chance with
11 2 / 2013
I think my long history of unrequited love started out when I was a child with foolish crushes, chasing boys around on the playground. While my friends eventually told their crushes their feelings, I never did. Even at that young age, I was already afraid of rejection. On the other hand, all of the wrong guys told me they liked me, and most of the time, they were my friends or I didn’t like them for other reasons. At this age, I had a lot of guy friends, even though it was deemed “socially unacceptable” by the other kids on the playground—mostly girls.
I remember the 1st guy I ever told my feelings for was sympathetic, but didn’t return those feelings. No doubt, I was too young to understand what anything meant, but even that shot down my self-confidence, and was probably what deterred me from revealing my feelings for another person again for a long time.
However, the feelings and emotions for people got even stronger in middle school (I blame the pubescent hormones). Stay tuned!
09 2 / 2013
Valentine’s Day is coming up. I don’t feel like I need anyone to help me feel validated, but being alone is the worst curse of all.
Basically here, I document all of the unrequited love instances that happen in my life. There are many. Be prepared. Hopefully in the back of my mind, I hope this turns around for the better.